Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
Tid bit for you to add to your "what to expecting when you're expecting to lose your virginity" book... Sex on nyquil is cheaper and BETTER than sex on esctacy AND you sleep like a champ after so you're not able to think about any bad decisions made.
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
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