I've blown a few things in my day
Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
I would compare it to a jeffrey but in smoothie form. More drugs in here than Bobby Brown's sock drawer.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
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