I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
Best friends brother. Beat that.
Totally forgot this... How weird was it when they were licking our faces
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
Randomize
