here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
Randomize
