Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
So i just found out i replied to my room mates craigslist ad. Akward
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
WE COULD TOTALLY DO ECSTASY AND GO TO THAT CAT SHELTER OFF OF BROADWAY.
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
He's talking about me being Slave Princess Leia and how he'll chain me up. I don't have the heart to point out that he would be Jabba in that scenario...Is it bad that his lack of SW knowledge is destroying my lady boner?
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
You did what with his pubic hair?
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