Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
Ok everyone, the frat server is slow because of the 11 TB of porn on there. Either clean out your partition by Sunday or it will be erased. Thanks for your help.
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
Drink drank drunk tankkkkn, LETS GO
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
Randomize
