Yes give me all the cream and he's gone
So how was last night?
Let's just say I danced with the devil
Huh?
I'm going to Hell for sure
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
Thrres cinnamon everywgte. Plead cine get me
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
Randomize
