Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
Single handedly the worst sex I've ever had just went down. Its like we both laid there after word-less thinking about the other " could they be any worse in bed" ?
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Randomize
