I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
I've blown a few things in my day
what am i going to do when LOST is over? What am i going to get high to?
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
Anyway, it's clearly a shapeshifting vagina/AT-AT, which I never said I was SEXUALLY attracted to. Just that I liked it.
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
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