Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
she was definitely a virgin. no ones that bad unless theyre a virgin
your sister was..
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
I mean obviously I like your dick... Jury is still out on you but your dick is good
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize
