My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
they thought it would be fun to get out their yearbook and see who hooked up with the most guys..I won...I don't even go to the same school
just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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