just found out my sister was breast fed and i was not...pretty upset about that.
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
using the campers leftover pizza money at the bar. Definition of great counselors right here.
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
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