U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
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