If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
so i may or may not have just had sex on the stage of the lecture hall....
Randomize
