you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
Her sister's ass was worth my getting thrown out of the house.
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
Randomize
