Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
Randomize