She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
Randomize
