Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
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