im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Randomize
