i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
The chlamydia really affected his face.
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
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