I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
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