Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
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