the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
no you cant smoke seaweed
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
Randomize
