i think i just saw hanson at the grocery store. one might have been a girl. hard to tell. lets call that one taylor.
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
