woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
She told me I should be a condom model.
He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
Randomize
