this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
The Masters... another excuse to excessivly start drinking by 1
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
My penis needs a shock collar
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
Randomize
