That guy over there looks like a cartoon/action figure.
omg, i know.
we're too high.
just found the deal breaker
hairy back?
he can't live within 1000 ft of a school
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
Randomize
