thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
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