I molested 6 butterflies tonight
3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
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