This is not my ceiling
I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
part of me always dies a little when i go to the "2 women seeking 1 man" section in craigslist's casual encounters to find nothing there. it's tragic
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
next photo in the 'cherished memories' series- Jess's bed. Note the vomit actually UNDER the pillows. shes a genius.
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
