he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
Well he asked to have a sober hang out so i guess that constitutes as a date in college
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
Randomize
