grad school is all the worst parts of undergrad, without the binge drinking and bad decisions to make up for it
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
It wasn't until i was on my knees with three dicks in my face that i thought it might be a bad idea
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
Randomize