you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
There's something about a foam party that makes freshman want to turn their lives into full blown shit shows. And I'm ok with the fact I am one of those.
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
Randomize
