My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
I found the hair cut I want on the girl in the porno I'm watching. now really sure how to show my stylist.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
Dog. I woke up between my ex boyfriend witch i'm currently fucking and his bestfriend spooning me in MY bestfriends empty powerless house still really fucked up. No one knows what happend.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
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