You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
In other news, I just burned my penis
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
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