Where you at
assisting at a photo shoot in williamsburg till 7ish. wassup?
Doesn't matter. I already jerked off in your bed.
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
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