an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
The last thing i remember is saying breakfast beer and carrying the keg to my room and locking the door.
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
You're breaking my sexual little heart
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
Randomize
