Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
she has tattoo'd to her hips "grip here" this is why they made spring break
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize
