just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
Never again will we have slut saturday. Never.
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
Just pee around me
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
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