Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
People with herpes should wear stickers.
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
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