capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
So the answer to your question is yes, I was masturbating on the roof of my building.
All I remember is taking a bath, puking in the bath water numerous times while trying to wash myself and I must of eventually given up
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
Randomize
