He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
so... thinking about masturbating finally
taking the losers way out I see
There was blood everywhere. She was pretty good looking person though.
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
Randomize
