My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
I would agree. Whose business is it if I like to guzzle vodka by the liter on my of time? Answer: mine.
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize
