it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
wyd
Laying here debating on if i want a sandwich or an orgasm.
Randomize
