i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
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