I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
someone get that fucking seahorse.
And just as he was about to come, he screamed "Oh Christy!!"
What's wrong with that? Your name IS christy.
He then said, "Oh shit, sorry Julie."
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
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