hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
tonight lets celebrate not being married
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
Randomize
