my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
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