as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
Your therapist is not going to think that you using your vagina as revenge is okay
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
WE COULD TOTALLY DO ECSTASY AND GO TO THAT CAT SHELTER OFF OF BROADWAY.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
Randomize
