so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
Randomize
