Now it won't go down.
You've got a gift.
I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
that may or may not have been my penis.
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