Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
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