I seem to have left my pride at pride
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
Randomize
