onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
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