Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
This weekend was suppose to be a 'smoke weed and stare at things' weekend. Not a 'spend all my rent money partying with Europeans till 8 am' weekend
Yeah but those French chicks did get naked
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Randomize
