haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
Smoking bowl and applying to community college. I now know how I got here.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
Randomize
