Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
Soo time for a life change, my 6 yr old sister made my gf a puke bucket for her birthday
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
first time i ever mailed panties back to a fuck buddy. what better of a way to say its over
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
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