Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
Randomize
