I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
