I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
sarcasm needs its own font
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
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