Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
So i just found out i replied to my room mates craigslist ad. Akward
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
