On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
Randomize
