You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
this is the last time we take the mathletes drinking.
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
there is a guy passed out on top of me and i don't know what to do. help if you're awake? was anyone anyone expecting someone? maybe he found the wrong room?
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
Randomize
