We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
His parents bailed him out, the police said they found him on a curb trying to call people on his wallet, hahha. He had his wallet open to his ear callin people
Randomize
