What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
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