Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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