Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
he's going on about how he's going to treat me right and wants to let himself be in love with me and spend a lot of time together. kids these days. like its not about sex anymore. i'm confused.
turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Is it wrong to want to have sex with one guy who's good in bed before going out on a date with a guy I actually like?
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
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