I feel great
I just peed on a car
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
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