I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
Randomize
