I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
he just wrote my ten page research paper for tit pics. i love my boobs.
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
Randomize
