fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
Just found a picture of a hobo making out with her tits...a HOBO
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
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