Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
Randomize
